Lasting Relationships: The Parameters

*** This article was first published on The Naked Convos.

Note: This piece was not written with a certain category of people in mind. The category of people that are NOT ready for serious relationship – you still want to hoe around for a while before getting committed? Why not?

Let’s get down to business. First, have in mind that a relationship is a 50/50 affair. You have 50% stake and your partner has 50% stake. So before you start setting parameters – work on your 50%. What I mean is; before you start defining what type of relationship (or partner) you want, work on yourself.

What have you got to offer? What are you bringing to the relationship? I’m not talking about good looks, beauty or a fat ass. Naah, I’m not talking about any of those petty ephemeral stuffs that shallow minded folks term as their selling point. What I mean to say is; you can’t be dumb and go about saying you want a smart girl. Just as you can’t be sleeping around and say you want somebody faithful. And I find it quite funny when a jobless girl says she don’t want a broke guy… GTFOH!

You’ve got to work on yourself first. Remove the log in thine eyes first – says our Lord Jesus Christ. In other words, you can’t bring all your imperfections, silly behaviours, lies and bullshit to the relationship and start demanding that your partner should change.

Now, when you’re done fixing yourself – ask yourself: What do I want from this relationship? Here’s one fact that applies in relationship (as well as in Life): If you don’t have a defined parameter, anybody (or anything) that comes your way, would suit you. Take for instance, in my first semester in Unilag, I used to drink the tap water. But my more experienced roommates were drinking & cooking with sachet water, I thought water is water, so why waste money on sachet water? Well, that thought didn’t last long because I got diagnosed with typhoid, twice. So, if you don’t know what you want and you find yourself rolling in the hay, lol in a relationship with someone – it’s a move of desperation.

[Aside: I don’t believe that people fall in love… y’all can miss me with that it-just-happened crap. You don’t FALL in love, you choose to love.]

Trust me, not everyone is looking for a long-term relationship. Not everyone is looking for a wife/husband. Some just want a fuck buddy. Others, someone to share moments, talk and laugh with. I, for instance, just want someone to cuddle with. Basically, you have to know what you’re looking for. As a girl, that’s ready to get married, you can’t be in a relationship with a guy who is still in the hoe-phase of his life, hoping you’ll both walk down the aisle – undeceive yourself!

Ok, now that you know what you want. How about your partner? What does he/she want? What are the values that he/she holds dear? Do they complement or contrast yours? It’s quite lovely when you see a couple that understands each other and have many things in common.

You can’t be thinking long-term, while she’s thinking short-term. You can’t be having emotional or depressing issues you want to discuss with him, but the only thing he ever wants to discuss is how to have you singing his oriki while he’s pounding you from behind.

That leads us to the questions: should you cut yourself to suit your partner? Or should he/she come tailor-made to fit your ideal picture of a partner? Truth is, there is no such thing as a perfect man or woman.

Our different backgrounds, experiences, views and opinions on life issues – these things influence the kind of person we become. And they influence our relationships, whether we are conscious of it or not. So should we cut ourselves to fit the other person? This is where the question of compromise applies.

Should you compromise? The answer to that question is YES and No. Relationship issues may be divided into big ones and small ones. Yes you may compromise on the small ones, he snores, she’s fat, blah, blah, blah – those are small matters.

But NO, you shouldn’t compromise on the big ones. He cheats (consistently?); she lies; he’s not just jobless but not interested in finding one; she can’t cook; he has hot temper and he’s likely to print a slap on your face for doing something silly, that’s a huge red flag that indicates he’s gonna be a wife beater – you shouldn’t compromise on that!

p.s: This write-up does not guarantee that you’re gonna have a lasting blissful relationship. There is no perfect relationship. What this write-up aims to achieve is: to gear you to take conscious effort to work on your relationship.